The Real Evil of Divorce

Why does the Church not approve of divorce? Why do (good) tribunals work slowly to grant a declaration of nullity to an invalid marriage? The answer might surprise you.

Scripture tells us that God "hates divorce". There is no denying that. Yet, our Lord clearly has more harsh words to say about unforgiveness than about divorce. Catholics often disparage those who divorce and act as though divorce is the worst sin someone can commit. Interestingly, refusal to forgive is what our Lord says can lead a person to Hell (not divorce).

The biggest problem with divorce is not so much the breaking up of a family and the harm to the children (though that is catastrophic). The biggest problem is actually an unwillingness to work through one's problems. This might sound like a small thing by comparison with the grave harm that people go through when a divorce occurs, but people can overcome those pains more easily. Overcoming the effects of unforgiveness is much more difficult.

What causes more harm than the divorce itself, is the fact that many people (not all, but very many!) who go through a divorce never learn to forgive. They see the problems in their marriages, and then just want to cut and run. If this is really what happens, then they take that unforgiveness with them, and (usually) end up teaching it to others (like their children) and apply it to a later marriage (whether it is a valid marriage or not).

The Church says "do not divorce" because that means that someone failed to forgive, and she wants all of us to learn from the "better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health" of marriage. Our Lord commanded forgiveness more times than I can number, and yet people treat it as though it is a small thing because "you don't know how she treated me!" Working through the full process of forgiveness and reconciliation can make a marriage many times stronger than if the couple had never had the problems in the first place, but people who are unwilling to forgive rarely see it that way.

Remember, Jesus said "if you don't forgive others, God won't forgive you". He never said "if you get divorced, God won't forgive you". This is vital for us to see divorce correctly, and is also one of the reasons why the church is supposed to (it rarely does, but it is supposed to) be the one who gives permission for a divorce to happen. The catechism even says that no Catholic has authority to withhold (temporarily or permanently) marital relations from a spouse. This is because couples in bad marriages are supposed to be told to forgive first; and only to consider a divorce, if necessary, after the forgiveness has been granted.

So, once again, why does the Church say that divorce is bad? Because divorce all too often results from a lack of forgiveness, and when people choose to get divorces without the Church's permission (or, worse, when the Church refuses to help someone who is struggling with this situation) they are not helped to deal with the real problem.

We live in a "divorce culture" because people largely refuse to forgive those who hurt them, and they choose just to leave the situation rather than deal with the problems and seek a true resolution. Let us make sure that we learn from the Church's teaching in this matter (even if the Church does not make it clear) and seek true faithfulness in all things.